Last Poet :: Next Poet


speak-louder

5:34 p.m. :: 2005-08-31

speak-louder.diaryland

user-name: 1/1
I like it. It says a little bit about you.
contact: 3/4
E-mail, Notes.
layout: 8/10
I'm totally not feeling this layout. But it is well put together, and it suits it's purpose well enough. I just don't really like it that much...
spacing & readablity: 10/10
Just fine.

[22/25]

Hey, Heartbreaker

title: 1/2
The title is.. well, it's different. It suits, but yeah, it's just not quite it. I think it could be better.
opening: 3/3
I definatly like the opening. You set the scene very well for what is to come. And your first few words catch the eye right away. "Hey you, / The boy with two hearts; who stole mine and hasn't returned it yet."
closing: 0/3
I don't like the closing one bit. I'm not sure what you were trying to say. It's very abrupt, and it breaks the half-ass rythm that the poem had.
appealing: 2/5
What you are saying in the poem is very appealing, but the way you present it, is not at all. The spacing is not attractive to the eye. The lack of a space after the comas is terrible.
relate: 5/5
We can all relate to this one. I've been there before, and I know the feeling.
rhyme & rhythm: 1/4
Rhyme is NOT needed for a poem, but in this particular poem, I think a good rhyme sceme could have been very good. There is very little apparent rhythm.
errors: 0/2
The lack of the space after the comas.

[12/25]

hurting

title: 1/2
It says what it needs to, but it's so dull, and bland. Nothing out of the ordinary that would make me choose to read this poem by it's title. Maybe something added, like "morbid hurting" or "happy hurting" or "hurting after midnight" - obviously those examples don't suit your poem, but you get the idea.
opening: 1/3
It's okay. I mean, it's just bland. It needs something more detailed, more in depth. So you are hurting... How are you hurting? How about; I am hurting deep inside my bones, so unbarable that each indavidual cell groans. Just a thought.
closing: 1/3
I feel the same way about your ending. You got the point across, but the point of a poem is not just to say what you feel, but to say what you feel with a play on words. So you "really really" need him... I got that. Go into to detail. How do you need him? Why do you need him?
appealing: 4/5
What you're saying is good, but it needs more detail. Your spacing is appealing. Just flipping through a book I'd stop on it.
relate: 5/5
We've all been there.
rhyme & rhythm: 3/4
The rhyme sceme is perfectly fine, but the rhythm could use some improvment. The second stanza needs some rearranging. It's difficult to understand, and has no rythm to it at all.
errors: 0/2
There should be a coma between "really" and "really" in the last line. There shouldn't be a colin after "that" in the second stanza, just a coma. I understand why you thought it needed one, but it doesn't.

[15/25]
Hurt Me Again
title: 2/2
I like the title.
opening: 3/3
I like the way you whisper my name into my neck. / Your breath feels so good,especially since it's all you've got left. / You move your hand up my body,tear down my walls, / you cover my neck but expose my bones.

I love this first stanza. It's just beautiful. It's detailed. It sets the scene. It expresses how you're feeling. Just beautiful!
closing: 3/3
I love the last line. Pefect.
appealing: 4/5
Spacing is good, title is good, message is good, but between the second and third stanza I kinda get lost. It's as though there is something missing.
relate: 4/5
Most of us have been there, I'd say. I've been in the whole love me, hurt me, I want to kill you, but I want you to love me thing.
rhyme & rhythm: 2/4
There is someone of a rhyme, and a bit of a rhythm, not very consistant though.
errors: 0/2
Lack of spacing after comas. It's really annoying and hard to read. Just imagine,if everyone did that,eh?
[18/25]

Total: 67/100, I like what your poems are saying. I think some grammer checks, and some re-arranging would do your writing a lot of good.

Comment from Speak-Louder: Thank you for the review! It was helpful, I'm glad I could get someone else's opinion.

Last Poet :: Next Poet