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nicim.diaryland

7:09 a.m. :: 2005-09-29

nicim.diaryland

user-name: 1/1
I like it, I don't know why, but I do.
contact: 4/4
Comments, Notes, E-mail.
layout: 9/10
I like what it says, and the color format, but it's not perfect.
spacing & readablity: 8/10
The links so down to far for most entries - that's very uncool.

[22/25]

Forever and Always

As each of us
can remember love
after so much hate

As the blind man
Can remember the moon’s light
After so much darkness

As the wild birds
Can remember the wind on their wings
After being encaged

So will the cold earth
Remember the warm sun
After so much rain.

title: 1/2
It's so boring sounding, like it's been done before many times. It doesn't seem new, or original.
opening: 2/3
It's a little bit difficult in the beginning, because the whole poem appears to be one long sentence. I think it might be better without the "as" - and you could separate the poem into different feelings, instead of one long wave of it.
closing: 3/3
It ends beautifully, and elegantly.
appealing: 3/5
Enh, if I were flipping through a poem book I would stop on it because it's short, but I wouldn't find it good enough to read to a friend.
relate: 2/5
I'm not sure what it's trying to get at. You're asking a question about earth, and that's unusual, and on top of that, many do not remember love after so much hate.
rhyme & rhythm: 4/4
Very good.
errors: 2/2
None.

[17/25]

can hearts break

title: 2/2
It's suiting, and perfectly reasonable... But I don't like it.
opening: 0/3
The two first lines are seemingly unrelated, and the lack of punctuation makes them seem like one sentence, making it difficult to read.
closing: 2/3
You're closing is funny, but it doesn't match the rest of the poem which feels very serious, which gives the reader a shock, and I'm not sure if that's what you were looking for, but I don't like it.
appealing: 3/5
Kinda, becuase it's in a cute curious mode. Will this...? How is that...? But it needs question marks, badly.
relate: 4/5
Almost all adults have been there, and a good portion of teens have been there before.
rhyme & rhythm: 1/4
The rhyming you used is very inconsistent, and so is the rhythm. Free verse is just fine with me, but when it's half one way, and half another way, it seems so... (I've lost my words.)
errors: 1/2
It seriously needs question marks.

[14/25]

A Drop

title: 2/2
Perfectly suiting, I like it very much. I like how it could have many meanings.
opening: 3/3
Good start, very intruging.
closing: 2/3
The ending is just as intriguing, but doesn't feel like an ending, it feels like the poem should continue. Maybe you could add a stanza?
appealing: 5/5
Very appealing, when flipping through a poetry book, I'd read this one aloud to anyone near by. It's very interesting and clever.
relate: 3/5
This poem is rather confusing as to exactly what it means. I've read it over five times now, but the concept of the water being kindness, and all these esoteric twists of words is much too much for me to relate to.
rhyme & rhythm: 5/4
Bonus for your "hidden" sentence, that's really cool.
errors: 2/2
Nope, keep it up!

[22/25]

Total: 75/100
Your poetry is very interesting, but I'd advise to go through your poems and brain storm on how to make them better, look for words you could take out to make the rhythm sound better, or lines you could add in to make your points more clear.

Comment? Thank you for doing the review so quickly. While Forever and Always was written during Hurricane Katrina, the piece overall discusses triumph over adversity. Can Hearts Break is humor with a touch of pathos - the double entendre of the English language. It is, in effect, one long question, so punctuation would be superfluous and break the exact rhythm I meant to create when reading it aloud. A Drop is a very mature and unusual piece - but I've been fortunate enough to have it published twice. Remember there are many types of free verse, and acceptable rhythm and rhyme patterns in modern poetry. It's ok to "prefer" one over the other. Again I do appreciate your taking the time to read and comment. Thank you.

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