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meanatheart.diaryland CHANGING LOVE

5:13 p.m. :: 2006-07-03

meanatheart.diaryland

user-name: 1/1
I'm not sure I understand it, but I like it.
contact: 3.5/4
Notes, Book, E-mail.
layout: 9.5/10
It's functional, and the picture is nice. The links are well organized, the template itself is well organized. There is only two little details, the picture is over about 3px to the right, and templates with a side bar that is often not the same length as the entry always bothers me.
spacing & readability: 10/10
Everything in functional and readable and well spaced.

[24/25]

Changing Love
Hidden behind her tough exterior, she cries.
Trying to sort out the truth from the lies.
His smile tells her all she needs to know,
The girl inside starts to show.
He shows her things she never would have seen,
Holds out a hand to the girl behind the screen.
She grabs it readily, hoping that he'll see,
Hoping he'll help her be all she needs to be.
She shows a little of her real side,
Knowing he won't want her to hide.

title: 2/5
I'm not sure I understand why you picked the title, it doesn't seem to fit the poem. Where is the love changing? It's also not very origional.
opening: 8.5/10
It's also not very origional sounding, but it's good none the less.
closing: 3/10
If you read it out loud it sounds like there should be two more lines to fit the rythm.
"She shows a little of her real side,
Knowing he won't want her to hide."
Not only does it seem rythm-wise like there should be two more lines, but it also seems like the story is unfinished. This is just an example, but here are two more lines you could add:
"Found inside this new guy,
She's found a quite place to confide."
Or, you could go with...
"With him she can now confide,
but she can only hope this won't be a short ride."
Or, for one more example;
"Resting her head against his chest she sighs,
She can't remember anymore why she ever cried."
Since all the rest of it ryhmed I assume if you add two more lines they will ryhme too, so here's all the words I can think of that rhyme with hide and side.

  • sighed
  • ride
  • pride
  • cried
  • died
  • chide
  • lied
  • fried
  • tide
  • wide
  • abide
  • denied
    appealing & style: 10/10
    I like that it's short. I always like short poems. I like the subtle details.
    relate to it: 9/10
    We've all been there, it's kinda an old topic in a way, but it's a classic, it can't truly get old.
    rhyme & rhythm: 10/10
    Perfect
    spelling & grammer: 10/10
    Nothing wrong that I noticed.
    like it: 9/10
    The only thing I didn't like is that it's so much like so many things I've read before. Then again, it's a common feeling.
    [62/75]

    Total: 86/100
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