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lastflightin.diaryland

4:32 p.m. :: 2006-03-30

lastflightin.diaryland

user-name: .5/1
I think your user name is a touch weird, but I like that it isn't gibberish, or dumb, so I'll give you half credit.
contact: 2/4
Notes, E-mail.
layout: 8/10
It's functional, the picture is okay. The links could stand to move over a little bit so that they don't interfere with the picture, and I would like to see something either more dramatic, or with more color, because this template is actually boring looking.
spacing & readability: 10/10
Everything in functional and readable.

[20.5/25]

a death certificate is your passport

title: 2.5/2
I like the title. I think it's different and catchy.

i sadly cannot say that with change of weather
comes change of me or presents a new surrounding scenery.
the closest thing to change around here is sweaters & unemployment.
i think it's safe to say i've lost all sense of time.


opening: 1/3
Above is your opening paragraph. You use a strange way of arranging your words. Instead of saying
"i sadly cannot say that with change of weather
comes change of me or presents a new surrounding scenery."
You could say something more like this: I can't change with the rain or sun, I can't get on with life on the run. If you choose to use that, you don't have to give me credit, I don't mind. That is of course is just an example of what you could change around to make it sound more rhythmic and organized. It is an interesting opening paragraph, but it's just choppy sounding.

i sleep too much. i sleep too little. i talk too much,
but with nothing of importance to say.

you're blaming the people with long, gorgeous locks & going in circles every time you move.
maybe you're the reason things aren't going how they should.

closing: .5/3
Above is your closing. Again, consistently through the poem there is no meter, no beat. Now this isn't the best set of lines in the world, but here is an example of something similar with more of a beat and a consistency. I sleep too much
I live in a rush
I talk very proud,
I talk out loud.

I sleep too little,
next to my kitty and kibble
And I wake for the crowd,
everyday before I touch my shroud.
 I'm not trying to say that you *need* to rhyme in your poems, but it might be a big improvement.
appealing: 2/5
Enh, if I were flipping through a poem book I wouldn't stop. It looks and sounds very juvenile to me. It's not that what you are saying isn't good, it's how you present it.
relate: 2/5
I could relate to something like that when I was fourteen, and that's about how old I'm guessing you are.
rhyme & rhythm: 0/4
Refer back to opening and closing.
errors: 2/2
Not really.

[7.5/25]

being in love makes writing complicated

This poem reads a lot better, and it makes me think your between 17 and 22 instead of 14. title: 0/2
It's silly. It's not very suiting at all.

it's the nicest gesture when i place my head to the pillow & feel your arms wrap me up so tight
i can no longer breath. the days aren't as long now & the arguments are bittersweet. naming names
& doing things to spite the other doesn't make things better ...
but that doesn't mean i don't whisper 'asshole' to my invisible friend when you leave the room.

opening: 3/3
I like the first line. It's a common feeling we all love - to be held by the one we love most. Then it gets deeper - you tell of your bittersweat arguments, and how it doesn't make things any better, but your guilty of the name calling and fighting too. I understand that, and relate to that perfectly. I still think it could be presented better, but the better your topic, the less important it is how you package it. However, when something is deep and well packaged, that makes a hit song, or a renowned poem.

oh, pretty boy, with eyes of blue & words that make me know why i chose you.
you're hardly right to think you're wrong when you think you're not good enough for me.
why, don't you know by now that you're everything i need?

closing: 2/3
I like what you're saying, but the way you're saying it just doesn't work. Remember what I said about your first poem. Need a meter, if not a better rhyme scheme.
appealing: 3/5
We've all be there, but the presentation is bad.
relate: 4/5
Definitely.
rhyme & rhythm: .5/4
This one does better in that area than the last...
errors: 1/2
It seriously needs question marks.

[10.5/25]

he's only a cowboy in bed

title: 2.5/2
I like it, it sounds cool, catchy, and it stands out.
opening: 1/3
The paragraphed seemed to wander from one subject to another.
closing: 1/3
I think your closing is kinda corny.
appealing: 2/5

relate: 2/5

rhyme & rhythm: 2/4

errors: 2/2

[10.5/25]

Total: 49/100
I hope your feelings are not hurt by this score. You still write better than many other things I've read. Keep working on it.

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