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DL
3:44 p.m. :: 2005-08-14
user-name: 1/1
I like it well enough.
contact: 4/4
E-mail, Notes, Guestbook
layout: 2/10
I'm totally not feeling this layout. You have a picture on your layout that links back to your index, which is very redudant,
there is no reason for that to be a link. Your links to different places are just all jumbled together, incluing mine, with
no classification at all. If you're going to go with that type of template you might as well take out that picture all
together. That way your links and stuff wouldn't trail all the way down the page forever. I take it you put this ... template
if you can call it that, together yourself. I reccomend visiting some template sites:
Unique Designs, FS Designs,
Star Layouts, and
Pink Design.
Everything is functional though...
spacing & readablity: 8/10
Everything is spaced fine, everything is readable. However, the placment of the poem on the layout makes the scroll bar go
down way too far for no good reason really.
a gift returned
title: 2/2
I am definatly feeling the title.
opening: 3/3
"dearest friend / after our end,", this is a very strong opening. I love it. I makes your brain start ticking right away. Why is there
reason to think you and your friend are ending? What happened between you two? Are you more than just friends. This
beginning is what my old English teacher would have called a "grabber," and while I hated her always saying the damn word,
there is a lot to be said for a good opening.
closing: 1/3
"also, i need a last word / i wish you well" I was dissapointed by this ending. The opening should leave questions,
but I feel that the last words should clear a few things up, or leave a satisfied feeling, like just finishing a good
book. Instead I felt, what the hell is going on? However, maybe if you added another paragraph in the poem that
explains a little bit more, maybe the ending wouldn't seem so... "huh?"
appealing: 4/5
I like it. It's kinda appealing. The use of no capitalization, and the consistancy of it gives it a feeling that is hard
to put my finger on. It seems less harsh, less formal. In a book, that would drive me nuts, but as a poem, it gives an
enjoyable feeling. Your spacing is also pleasing to the eye.
relate: 5/5
It sounds to me like a friend who loves you, and you might of loved (so you could have been romantic) is now driving you crazy,
he gave you a gift, I assume it was expensive, or of deep meaning to that person, and you're returning it because you know
you'd want it back if it had been yours. You're trying to be fair, and just forget about it all so that it doesn't hurt you
anymore. I might be wrong about your intent, but that's what I get out of it.
And I can relate, and I feel others would as well.
rhyme & rhythm: 2/4
I found two instances of rhyme. Not enough to count. You obviously were just getting your point across and not trying
to say it in any particular way, which is fine. I always think rhyme gives a poem a more refined feeling, but the lack
of refinment in your poem is a statment in itself. The peom almost begins with a rhythm, but it has more the feeling of
a letter by the end.
errors: 2/2
Not in this poem.
lunch at barristers
title: 1/2
It says what it needs to, but it's so dull, and bland. Nothing out of the ordinary that would make me choose to read this poem
by it's title.
opening: 3/3
Grade opening again! The use of the word "nothing" in italics already draws the person in. Already there goes those questions
and thought about the word nothing. Here's the real question, how are they saying nothing while having nice conversation? I thought
about that for a moment and decided that what you meant was that they weren't saying anything real, just having a plain conversation
of day to day nothingness.
closing: 3/3
"i wonder what they would have done / if i had said / something" Beautiful ending, it matches the beginning, only it
clears up the whole thought. You annalyze everything, and then you say what's getting to you. It's perfect.
appealing: 5/5
It's definatly appealing. The use of italics at the end for "something" and for "nothing" is just perfect.
relate: 5/5
The poem reminds me of being at my Aunt Martha's house. She's like the people in the resturant, who frown upon dreams
of art and creativity. I love art, dance, books, etc. I totally relate.
rhyme & rhythm: 1/4
No rhyme, like the other one. The rhythm is much the same as well, more like letter format. There isn't much a clear beat,
setting your own style. I like it, but I think you could also do better.
errors: 2/2
None.
did / nottitle: 0/2
Total: 70/100, I really enjoyed your poetry. If, after a little while you would like more of your poetry reviewed, let me know.
Comment from Hergenisis: Thanks for the review. I will keep your thoughts in mind, especially those of my titles and rhythm. I must point out, however, that rhyming is not required in certain kinds of poetry. It is a device, much as the clever use of cliches, dramatic irony, metaphor, simile, rhythm, and others, are also literary devices. I tend to use rhyming sparingly, as I have experienced a great deal of poetry that seems to sacrifice meaning to a need to rhyme. I write, generally, in free verse, which requires no specific form and has no rules. I do recognise that my rhythm often needs some work, so I appreciate your comments on that. It's funny, though, that you liked "something" and "nothing" in "lunch at barristers". I thought they were the weakest link. Thanks though. Words of constructive criticism are never ill placed. You've done a good job of balancing the positives and the negatives of your opinions, and I get the feeling that you really thought about everything you said. This is very much appreciated.
Yes, I know it's just a device. And you make up for lack of it in meaning. Sorry I did not make that clear in the review.