Get Reviewed
About & Rings
Rules
Scoring
Link Me
Pending
Disclaimer
Contact
Review Requests
Notes & Book & E-Mail
Site Extentions
Main Site
My Biography
My Art & My Poetry
Free Custom Buttons
The Circle
Credits
Listings
Affiliates
DL
12:55 p.m. :: 2007-11-12
user-name: 1/1
I’m not exactly sure what falloficarus means, but it makes me think: fall oh ficarus! Which seems rather cool. Oh, look, there it is on your template. Now I almost feel intelligent.
contact: 4/4
E-mail, Notes, Guestbook
layout: 10/10
This must be a template you made yourself since your username and template match. I like it when people personalize by making their own template, especially when they make a good one.
spacing & readability: 10/10 Everything is spaced fine, everything is readable. I had no problem cutting to the chase with your poetry. (I hate it when people do silly things with their template that make the content hard to read. It’s really quite self-defeating.)
[25/25]
title: 2/2
I like your title. It’s short, to the point, and descriptive.
opening: 1/3
"A festering boil on your neck
Wounds oozing a sticky yellow pus
Intestines being eaten away by covetous maggots
Whose only intention is to make you suffer"
I really wasn’t impressed by the first four lines. Perhaps because it’s disgusting (as you obviously intended it to be) or perhaps because maggots don’t try to make you suffer. And throughout the poem you use rhyme on and off, I would have liked to see that in the opening. Perhaps:
On your neck I spy a festering boil,
Oozing a sticky yellow pus that hastens a recoil,
Intestines being eaten away by covetous maggots,
Laying their eggs as you scream in turmoil.
Feel free to use that in a revision if you wish. I probably wouldn’t use someone else’s words based on pride, but it’s a good demonstration of how you can make things rhyme whenever you like, really. Of course rhyming is not required, but let’s face it, we all like rhyming poems better.
closing: 3/3
"Don't fail to remember to slit my throat
If God sent me to die for you
I'll gladly place the barrel at my temple
Just to see you smile."
I love this ending however. It made me smile, and it felt so real, so heart-felt after the long twisting poem. I wouldn’t change the last four lines at all.
appealing: 4/5
Very graphic, and to the truly gothic crowd, very, very appealing. I tend to be a little more squeamish that I ought to be, which has only come about in the last year or so, so perhaps I’m going soft. It’s appealing in a very repulsive way.
relate: 4/5
I wasn’t sure if I knew what you we’re getting at, at first. But it’s a very graphic way to describe a feeling. To me, I feel that the poem is expressing disgust mixed with love, anger mixed with power, helplessly in love. I can feel all of that, but I’m still not sure what the overall theme really was. While I think it would be very impressive to hear read aloud, and even more impressive if put to music, whatever your point really is, it’s not very clear. If you intended it to be, you should rethink it a little bit. Though I’m not dissing cryptic poetry.
rhyme & rhythm: 3/4
I think the poem could be enhanced by further usage of rhyming, but it’s very good as it is.
errors: 2/2
None that I noticed.
[20/25]
title: 1/2
It’s descriptive, I guess. It just sounds so ammeter MC to me, but I think I see what you were getting at though. We’re mind-fucked internationally? I agree with that point.
opening: 2/3
International Mindfuck
Supersonic Megaslut
Bleeding, Fucking, Choking, Nothing
You know is ever safe when he's around
I really liked your opening, until I got to the fourth line and stumbled on "You know is ever safe," which made me wonder, because the whole poem seems very purposeful, and I wondered if you managed to do that on purpose. I’d change it for flow purposes.
closing: 3/3
International Mindfuck
Supersonic Megaslut
Biting, Tearing, Laughing, Caring
About your welfare as he slits your elegant throat
Halos cost fifty-nice cents
Don't forget to pick one up for yourself
When he pushes you down
It'll break on the ground
Shatter at your feet without making a sound
But he'll piece it back together
With a glue that smells of brine
And you'll fall to your knees Every Single Time.
I really like your conclusion the best. It’s so real.
appealing: 4/5
Yes, it’s appealing, but I think the flavor is a little off. It’s like you’re going for something serious, and making it sound almost like a joke. I’d like to hear how it’s read in the meter you intended for it.
relate: 5/5
I believe that you’re explaining in and interesting way the moralities of our modern population, and expressing the odd priorities we have set. How our innocence is next to meaningless, and our knowledge is all lies. Not that you said any of that, but it just seems to be the meanings rippling under the surface of brutal rape. The imagery is of course fantastic.
rhyme & rhythm: 3/4
As I said about Hallow, it was good, but I think you could have done better.
errors: 1/2
That fourth line really is a stumbler.
[20/25]
title: 2/2
Ceci n'est pas une pipe. Brilliant. I love that picture.
opening: 3/3
I find it funny, sometimes, how people tend to see
What isn't really there, or perhaps when they believe
In something not quite real just because a person
Tells them that they should, puts the thought in their vapid heads
If I were to tell you that this isn't a poem, in the fashion of he
But rather random combinations of seemingly meaningless characters
That you decide mean something
Would you believe me?
This sounds more like a poetic story, or a poetic entry than an actual poem, so perhaps I would?
closing: 3/3
So will you be stubborn, and refuse to look outside of the box for the deeper meaning
Or will you crumble beneath the weight of my words
And decide that you were weak
Wrong
And never quite that original to begin with.
It’s not as powerful as the closings to the other two, but I think you might have been edging on something deeper. Perhaps you wrote this poem to yourself. Accusing yourself of not being original enough, for using such a common subject of theosophy. Something about your poetry just seems to resonate with multiple meanings.
appealing: 5/5
I liked it very much. Again I thought it could be organized better, but it is very exact the way it is.
relate: 5/5
Certainly I relate. People are sheep!
rhyme & rhythm: 4/4
This didn’t rhyme on and off. When things sometimes rhyme, and sometimes hold a meter, it makes it even more important for them to do so consistently. Since this one didn’t at all, it seems more like it was all completely intentional.
errors: 2/2 None that I noticed.
[25/25]
Total: 90/100, I really enjoyed your poetry. If, after a little while you would like more of your poetry reviewed, let me know. This is perhaps the highest score I’ve ever given. I like how much thought is obviously in your work. I’d like to see a revision of some of these things and see where you take them. When I first wrote the poem Rain, I didn’t include what I consider the two most powerful stanzas. It originally cut right from:
And we’re waiting in this rain,
and we’re feeling all this pain,
ignored, forming a new stain,
that is doomed to remain.
To:
You called this modern democracy,
we call this blatant hypocrisy,
and they all think it’s their legacy,
their right to a subjective dynasty.
When I rewrote the poem, I added in the two stanzas in between.
And we're waiting in this rain,
And we're feeling all this pain,
Ignored, forming a new stain,
That is doomed to forever remain.
I'm in this teen denomination,
soon to be the working generation.
Starved of the real truth from creation,
by the mass appeal of the nation.
Youths taking E and Blow for elation,
getting these kids on probation,
such a sorry situation,
the illiteracy of this generation.
Even though this is modern democracy,
We all call this blatant hypocrisy,
And they all think it's their legacy,
Their right to a subjective dynasty.
My point is, if you’ve never revised a poem, you should seriously consider it. Things sometimes are best left untouched, and other times, a touch up was all it took to become incredible.
Comment from falloficarus: Not yet.